Breathing Underwater

For Christmas this year, among other lovely things, my daughter gave me a journal. On the inside cover was this inscription: Her heart and brain do not weigh her down, but are set aflame; they singe her skin, they make her radiant. She is your mother.  She is you, years from now. Let your definition of beauty begin with her. They are lines from a poem called Mother Courage . She wrote it for me, for my 50th birthday, and performed it as a spoken word piece in front of an auditorium full of people to spectacular applause. It was stunning. It took my breath away and it made me cry. Proud and touched, I posted it on my Facebook page, where it was shared over and over and viewed nearly 2,000 times.  It remains the best gift I have ever been given. But if I'm honest, I'm not living up to her words. My heart and brain have been weighing me down. I am not radiant. I do not feel beautiful. I feel tired and worn, dull and heavy - in every way. Yesterday, w

A while back, I did a blog post about how, because I've been through so much in the past couple of decades, very little really scares me anymore. And a little while after that, I did one specifically about how the thought of death doesn't really frighten me. Yeah.  I lied.   Now, I didn't lie intentionally, mind you. I still believe there is little I'm truly afraid of. And, in general, the thought of dying doesn't worry me so much... but I have found out that the idea of dying right now? Scares the bejeebies out of me, people. I spent Wednesday afternoon and evening in the emergency room. I was sent there by my doctor's office because my blood pressure had been ranging between 178/98 and 210/110. For those of you not in the know, those are not good numbers. The nurse at my doctor's office used the words, "stroke range" and asked if I wanted them to call the rescue squad to come get me.  Gulp. Now, I've never had hi

The definition of the word ' live ' is: "to be alive." The definition of the word ' deliberately ' is: "consciously and intentionally; on purpose." So, when you put them together, ' to live deliberately ' means "to be alive, consciously and intentionally; on purpose."  That? Does not describe the way I'm living. It doesn't. In fact, I haven't been living deliberately for a long time. I mean, I experience little pockets of living with intention , but by and large, my life over the long last while has been happening to me, not because of me. I expect most of us could say that at times. We get so caught up in the 'must dos,' in the putting out of fires, in the crisis management, in the daily drudgery, that we forget what it means to really live consciously.  Please say that's not just me. It's you, too, right? Sometimes? Ever? Regardless, I've decided it's time to make a ch

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving (also known in our house as Elastic-Waist Pants Day ). Frankly, I've had mixed feelings about that holiday for a long time, but this year it's enabling to me to take five days off, which I get to spend with my daughter, and I'll have dinner with wonderful friends. So I'm not going to look at it all too closely, shake my head at the excess it seems to inspire, or complain about anything. I'm going to enjoy it.  The thing I really do like about Thanksgiving is that also inspires gratitude... and better yet, gratitude spoken aloud. That's pretty nice, really. I try hard (and mostly succeed) to recognize and express gratitude every day, for big and small things. I work in an industry where many people have precious little and/or deal with seemingly insurmountable obstacles, so I find it's necessary for my own well-being to be grateful for what I have; for what I'm given. Today I'm going to list, with a grateful heart, many

Today's one-word writing prompt was ' Legacy ,' submitted by my friend Amy Marie, whose legacy will be a wonderful trio of intelligent, caring humans who were loved without limits by their mother. When I read the word I pulled out of my prompt jar this evening, I fully expected to do a timed writing about the sort of legacy I mentioned above - something transmitted by or received from an ancestor or predecessor or from the past  ( Merriam-Webster ). But that's not where my pen took me.  It happens. So, have you ever heard of Swedish Death Cleaning ?  (Yeah, you didn't expect that, did you? I didn't either but here we are.) It's a pretty neat concept, really. Basically, once a person hits late middle age (or whenever they want, I guess), they begin ridding themselves of all the material possessions they've accumulated that they don't need anymore - so that no one else has to do it after they die (that's the 'death'

Today's writing prompt was the word ' Humanity ,' submitted by my lovely friend, Marylou Van de Klundert, who spreads kindness and beautiful humanity wherever she goes (and she goes everywhere!). I've been thinking a lot about the idea of  humanity lately (I suspect many people have), as it seems to me, given all the horrible things going on in the world and some of the vile people in charge of those events, that we've lost ours. Maybe not completely, but to a significant degree. I looked up the dictionary definition of humanity before I started my timed writing this evening (I often do this. Even though I know what the word means, the definition can give me a different perspective or idea). Of course, 'humanity' has two definitions, the first being "human beings; collective humankind." The second - the one I think of first - is "humanness, benevolence." Synonyms are compassion, kindness, mercy, brotherly love . Good stuff, ri

Today's blog post is inspired by the word 'Joy,' submitted by my friend Suzanne Vance (one of the most joyful people I've ever known).  I actually groaned when I pulled this word (randomly) from my prompt jar. I haven't been feeling terribly joyful lately. In fact, I've felt like I've been teetering on the edge of that black hole we call depression for a while. But my self-imposed rule (in order to train myself to write about whatever topic is thrown my way) forced me to work with the word I pulled. And as I promised I would, I sat down and wrote. When doing timed writings, the whole point is not to think about what you're putting down on paper. The goal is simply to write; to keep the pen moving and not stop for the duration. If you suddenly find yourself with nothing to say, you simply write, "I don't know what to say" a few times... and inevitably, something will appear. It might not be related to what you started with, but t

I keep thinking that I need to write more, but my motivation has been very sadly lacking. So, in an effort to give myself a kick in the pants and also come up with new material, I asked my friends on Facebook to provide one-word writing prompts. I explained that I would choose one (randomly) daily (or at least several times a week), do a timed-writing based on the word, then (hopefully) pull a nugget of something interesting  from that, and write a blog post. I also mentioned that while some of the posts might be good, it's entirely likely that many will be utter garbage. But that's what practice is for, right? Right.  Anyway, my peeps came up with nearly 300 one-word prompts (!). Ahem. This is the first post.  The prompt was Thunderstorms (submitted by Meredith Moomaw, with whom I waited out many thunderstorms during many summer swim seasons!). The timed writing resulted in a lot of words that had absolutely nothing to do with thunderstorms. But that's how

From the time I was pretty young, I was a glass half full  person. I could always see the bright side. For years, even though I suffered from depression, I refused that diagnosis, believing that if you could see the light at the end of the tunnel, you couldn't be depressed. I could always see the light. I always looked for the positives in crappy situations. The Silver Lining was what I wrapped myself up in every night. But on September 11, 2001, my glass cracked. And since that day, my half full has slowly seeped out of that crack, soaking the Silver Lining (which I've discovered was only meant to reflect, not absorb). I watched the towers fall that night eighteen years ago, with my two-year-old on my lap, while I read Winnie the Pooh to her. I cried along with the rest of the country. My heart and soul ached for those who lost their lives and for those left behind. I knew we would never be the same again. And then, in the aftermath, the country pulled together. Peop

I just watched a Martha Beck webinar on finding your mission. I want to believe I have a mission in life. I want to believe I'll find it before I die... like, years before I die, so I can actually fulfill it and not just lay back on my deathbed lamenting. "Well, shit. I really missed that boat!" Martha says we're all probably already living our mission in some way, as it's in our nature (from birth) to gravitate toward it. Yeah. Unless my mission is pinning house plans on Pinterest, I'm thinking I'm not living it yet. She also uses the "Three N" method for figuring it out: 1) Notice what brings joy to your sensibilities; notice what "lights you up." 2) Narrow that field; look for the brightest light. 3) Name it (if you feel the need). Sounds simple, right? Sounds like the advice every life/career coach gives. My problem, though, is that all my lights are pretty dim these days. It's true. Let me list a few of the th

I say stuff like this all the time. I do it because it's funny. I do it because it's true. And I do it because it's easier to poke fun at myself and my weight than it is to allow anyone else to do it for me. And to my knowledge, no one ever has (not to my face, anyway). Until the other day... For the first time (at least that I can recall), a friend made a comment about my weight. It wasn't meant to be mean (this person is generally kind and loving), and I think it was meant to be funny... but it stung, a lot, and I said as much. The apology was immediate. But the comment stayed with me and I've thought of little else since. And I hate that. I hate that the comment was made. I hate that the comment was true. I hate that it bothered me so much. But I'm glad it's made me think about where I am and what I'm doing.  There is so much on social media today about fat shaming. About body acceptance. As someone who has struggled with a weight issue,