Breathing Underwater

I say stuff like this all the time. I do it because it's funny. I do it because it's true. And I do it because it's easier to poke fun at myself and my weight than it is to allow anyone else to do it for me. And to my knowledge, no one ever has (not to my face, anyway). Until the other day... For the first time (at least that I can recall), a friend made a comment about my weight. It wasn't meant to be mean (this person is generally kind and loving), and I think it was meant to be funny... but it stung, a lot, and I said as much. The apology was immediate. But the comment stayed with me and I've thought of little else since. And I hate that. I hate that the comment was made. I hate that the comment was true. I hate that it bothered me so much. But I'm glad it's made me think about where I am and what I'm doing.  There is so much on social media today about fat shaming. About body acceptance. As someone who has struggled with a weight issue,...

"I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival." Audre Lorde First thing Friday morning, my boss opened our staff meeting by asking all of us for our ' self care plans .' I love that she's concerned with our overall well-being and not just how we're managing at work. We're a small non-profit that does social work and our jobs are demanding and stressful. When you work for and with clients who need so much from you, it can be really easy to get caught up in them... and forget about you. And when you empty all your reserves, you have nothing left for anyone else. Our boss knows this (she's a keeper, really).   A few people looked like deer caught in headlights. Our office is primarily made up of women - women who have to take care of other people besides themselves. Several have little ones at home and, from experience, I know it can be really difficult to focus on yourself when y...

In 1975, I was 10-years-old. That year, a new show came on television - One Day at a Time . It starred Bonnie Franklin as Ann Romano - a single mother of two teenage girls, just trying to to make it through Life, quite literally, one day at a time. My mother wouldn't let me watch it. It was "too liberal" (which was a word I heard later, when I was a bit older and asked her again why she didn't like the show). What I knew at the time was that being a single mother was bad (but I didn't know why). And I knew that talking openly about (anything) topics like sex and drugs was really bad (but I didn't know why). Regardless, we only had one channel and choices were limited, so I watched the show anyway... very, very quietly (my mother might have been a little woman, but she could be scary). I liked Ann Romano. A lot. She was tough. She was pretty cool. Her kids talked to her in an open, honest way - a way I never talked to my own mother (not then, and not a...

Yesterday, during an email conversation with an old friend, I commented that my life has not turned out the way I meant it to; that (although I didn't have an actual plan [which might be a big part of my problem]) I feel I've squandered my potential and have missed out on some pretty significant milestones (like finding true love and a real home ). He (gently) yelled at me. He told me that was ridiculous. He pointed out the many things I have accomplished and said I should be proud of my life and myself. His words were not new to me. And though they shifted my perspective and perception in that moment, I had to admit that they are words I've heard before - words that others who love me have uttered (or yelled... gently... or not). But my perspective and perception always shift back. I replied that I know my deep, dark secrets. I know the ugly things I think/have said/ have done. I know the shortcuts I've taken, the plans I've abandoned, and the many, ma...