Breathing Underwater

Almost exactly ten years ago, I did a blog post about defining moments . I explained them as: Those unexpected moments that come from nowhere and hit you like a brick; that alter your life or your perspective and change your course – or steady it; moments you can pass right through without realizing their significance until much later; moments that give you parts of yourself and show you who you are and what you’re made of. I had a defining moment this morning. Actually, I think I had an  epiphany . It wasn't pretty. And I had it while my ass was, literally, hanging out of my bedroom window (I told you it wasn't pretty). Allow me to backtrack for you...  This morning started like every other Saturday. Finn woke me up, ready and raring to go to the park. Since it was raining, I figured the arboretum in the next little town over would be empty, which meant he'd be able to run and I'd be able to get some exercise myself. So I threw on some shoes, yanked a basebal...

For Christmas this year, among other lovely things, my daughter gave me a journal. On the inside cover was this inscription: Her heart and brain do not weigh her down, but are set aflame; they singe her skin, they make her radiant. She is your mother.  She is you, years from now. Let your definition of beauty begin with her. They are lines from a poem called Mother Courage . She wrote it for me, for my 50th birthday, and performed it as a spoken word piece in front of an auditorium full of people to spectacular applause. It was stunning. It took my breath away and it made me cry. Proud and touched, I posted it on my Facebook page, where it was shared over and over and viewed nearly 2,000 times.  It remains the best gift I have ever been given. But if I'm honest, I'm not living up to her words. My heart and brain have been weighing me down. I am not radiant. I do not feel beautiful. I feel tired and worn, dull and heavy - in every way. Yesterday, ...

The definition of the word ' live ' is: "to be alive." The definition of the word ' deliberately ' is: "consciously and intentionally; on purpose." So, when you put them together, ' to live deliberately ' means "to be alive, consciously and intentionally; on purpose."  That? Does not describe the way I'm living. It doesn't. In fact, I haven't been living deliberately for a long time. I mean, I experience little pockets of living with intention , but by and large, my life over the long last while has been happening to me, not because of me. I expect most of us could say that at times. We get so caught up in the 'must dos,' in the putting out of fires, in the crisis management, in the daily drudgery, that we forget what it means to really live consciously.  Please say that's not just me. It's you, too, right? Sometimes? Ever? Regardless, I've decided it's time to make a ch...