Bringing Back the Light

 

Today is the Winter Solstice - which has long been my favorite day of the year. At least it was until a few years ago when I was hard-pressed to find a day I even wanted to be in, let alone a favorite. 

Near the end of 2019, I could feel myself spiraling into a depression that wound up being the worst I've ever experienced. Though I've dealt with depression in my life, I always believed it was situational - like when my father died or my marriage ended. What I've realized is that it only got worse during those situations, but it had been with me for the long haul. I never believed that. When I was younger, I always thought that depression was synonymous with hopelessness and I had never felt hopeless. I could always see the light at the end of the tunnel. I always believed things would get better. Ergo, I couldn't be depressed. I didn't realize there are degrees of depression. I didn't realize you could function in a way that appeared to be normal to most people (even yourself) and still be depressed. I simply didn't understand it. And I certainly didn't understand that depression and ADHD go hand-in-hand, and that people who have ADHD - especially UNDIAGNOSED ADHD (hello!) - often feel like failures and frauds and deeply flawed (more so than others) individuals, which exacerbates depression. 

But in 2019, 2020, and 2021, I lost hope. All hope. I couldn't find reasons to be here. I didn't want to do anything to actively NOT be here but I was in a dark, dark place. There was no light. It was sad and humbling and frustrating and, if I'm being completely honest, frightening. 

But things started to change at the beginning of 2022. I changed jobs. The one I'd held for eight years was with an organization and people I truly loved (and still love like mad); it was a job I had loved, but which had become draining in a way I'd never experienced. I was struggling to care for myself but I had to spend so much of my energy caring for others. I knew I couldn't continue but I didn't know how to stop. My new job sort of fell into my lap by way of a friend and it turned out to be exactly what I needed. The depression persisted... but it eased a bit. I started to see a bit of light... and the tunnel didn't seem quite so long as it had. 

Over the course of the next two years, so much changed. It wasn't all good, but even so, the light continued to get brighter. The depression lifted a bit more each month. Is it gone completely? No, I don't think so... and maybe it never will be. But it's manageable again. It feels more like an annoyance than a life sentence. And I not only want to live my life again, I want to live it bigger and better than I've lived it in the last decade or so. I'm looking forward to things again. I'm laughing more. A lot more. I'm opening up again. 

I'm bringing back the light. 

So today - the Solstice - feels the way it used to. It feels like a new beginning. It feels like a fresh start. It feels good. It IS good. I'm good. Finally. 

XO,

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