What Do You Have?

Last week, two of my high school classmates died. Yesterday, I found out another friend is seriously ill. Someone else I know recently lost a pregnancy. Another person was diagnosed with cancer.

There is so much pain in the world... even in my little corner of it. And so much loss.

And myself? Well, I've spent a lot of time lately feeling tired and frustrated - pulled in a million different directions. I'm not sleeping well. I hurt all the time. I'm trying to just get on with things but I'm down. Really down.

I want a month (or 6) to do absolutely nothing but read books and take my dog for walks. I want to go to the beach. And stay there. Forever. I want time. I want a break. I want a new president. I want Life to be good and happy and easy for EVERYONE for just a little while.

I want...

I want...

I want...

I read something the other day that made me think... it went something like this: 

There are people who are, right this moment, wishing for what you already have. 

At first I scoffed. Lord have mercy, let them have my messy house, my too small bank account, my 14-year-old car that needs a quart of oil every few days! Let them have no time and no energy and cancer-filled lymph nodes and two jobs and the worry that anything and everything could just blow up at any minute! Let them have it all!

Gah!

But then, not very long after my colossal pity party, I had a conversation with someone I know. This person has schizophrenia. Life is so hard for her and while telling me about something she wants to do - something she truly believes would bring some sort of peace to her disordered life - she said, "But they told me no. It's OK. I'm used to hearing no. I hear it all the time - from jobs, from doctors, from counselors, from my mother, from everyone." 

The conversation made me feel so sad. And guilty. This person - this person who struggles every day of her life in ways I simply cannot imagine, in pain I cannot fathom - would give anything for what I have. I know this for sure. 

But that moment of sadness and guilt passed, as I went on with my day and week, with my jobs and responsibilities. And I went back to wanting. 

As I do.

But then, a little while ago, while sitting here looking at my messy dining room walls with wallpaper half-up and half-down, ruminating a bit miserably about all the things I don't have and all the things I want (including someone to strip the rest of that ugly paper and paint all my walls), I was struck, quite out of the blue, by a question...

But, Diane, what do you have? 

What do you have?

What do I have?

So I decided to make a list... of all the things I have... the things I am grateful for and the things I take for granted. And I decided to make it without the buts or the even thoughs (you know... I have a cashmere sweater but it's really not my favorite color, or I have a gift card to Walmart even though I really wanted one to Target)... those coordinating/subordinating conjunctions that turn good things into less-thans. My list is purely and simply the good things I have. 

So... here goes... 

I have a beautiful, brilliant daughter I love more than life and who loves me back.

I have a gorgeous dog who makes me laugh every day.

I have a hilarious cat who thinks he's human.

I have a wonderful family, both chance and chosen.

I have an amazing circle of friends.

I have a home in a nice neighborhood with lovely neighbors.

I have a job where I feel valued, with the very best bosses and coworkers.

I have a job that allows me to help - to walk with and to see people who are often overlooked. 

I have the time and resources to participate in activities that feed my creativity.

I have books to read.

I have tea to drink.

I have food on the table every day.

I have a comfortable bed and enough clothes and clean, hot water whenever I want it.

I have a sense of humor that allows me to find the funny in my every day life.

I have the ability to tell a story and make others laugh. 

I have social media accounts that keep me connected to people and information and such beauty.

I have nature right outside my door.

I have a dog park full of happy, beautiful pups and people who have become friends.

I have two movie tickets in my wallet for whenever the mood strikes me. 

I have a gym membership and a pool available whenever I want it.

I have cancer - which has given me an incredibly valuable perspective on Life.

I have an oncologist and a cancer center I love. 

I have health insurance. 

I have just enough money to pay my bills every month.

I have a car that gets me everywhere I need to go.
I have a community - close and extended - that pulls together when people need help. 

I have the vision that enables me to see what my dining room could/will look like eventually. 

I have a voice, the desire to do good in the world, and the ability to vote. 

I have plans and dreams and hopes... and the belief that good things are still possible. 

Turns out? I have a lot. I have so much. 

All I have to do is remember it. And appreciate all of it.

What about you? What do you have?

XO,