Battle Scars
This weekend was my 35th high school reunion.
I'm going to completely skip over the whole 35th part (because HOLY CRAP, that's why) and tell you about a few things I realized this weekend.
1. No matter how much it hurts to stand up, bend over, climb stairs, etc, we will all always be 18-years-old at heart.
2. There is nothing like laughing with people who have known you for 40 years. Truly.
3. Our memories suck. And our memories are amazing. Sometimes both within minutes.
4. Not a one of us got out of high school unscathed. We all bear some battle scars (some bigger than others).
Last night, while we were talking about people we hadn't seen in a long time, someone mentioned a kid from our class. I remembered this kid; he was small and quiet, smart and generally nice. I don't remember anything else really significant about him and I don't recall noticing that he had a difficult time in school. But the person who mentioned him said she'd seen his mother before our last reunion and asked her if she thought he'd come. She replied that we'd made his life a "living hell" and she'd never tell him about the reunion.
That made me really sad. I had no idea things were so hard for him. I wondered if I had known, would I have gone out of my way to make him feel more included? I don't know if I would have. I don't think I was that nice back then. I think I was too worried about doing my own best to fit in that helping someone else to do it wasn't on my agenda.
How I regret all the energy I put into that worry.
I know now, after living a few more decades and hearing about others' lives back then, that we never know what goes on behind closed doors; we are all, always, worrying and, more often than not, dealing with some sort of struggle or pain. I've learned that people - teenagers - I knew in high school were battling all manner of demons, from alcohol and drug addiction, to depression, to deep grief, to sexual, physical, and psychological abuse.
And I never knew.
How I wish I'd known.
I had another conversation with a different group later in the evening; we were talking about how seeing certain people from high school can throw you right back into those feelings of insecurity and awkwardness that plagued so many of us. One person asked, "But don't you think everyone's changed?"
I do. I know I have. I think it's impossible to remain unchanged. I replied that we've all been through some absolute shit... we've lost spouses and children, we've battled illnesses and accidents, we've dealt with divorces and teenagers and job loss and money troubles and family crises. We've faced Life head on, in all its difficult glory... and that changes people. And none of us are immune to it.
I'm a kinder person than I was 35 years ago. I know this for certain. I still have my less-than-proud moments, but by and large, I'm a better person than I was. I'm betting we all are.
When I see my classmates now, I don't see awkwardness and insecurity. I see kindness. I see caring. I see humor (such humor!) and people committed to making this world a better place, in whatever way they can. And I see love. So much love.
We are all scarred. We are all damaged and carrying baggage. But we are all worthy of inclusion. We were back then, even if we didn't realize it or feel it, and we certainly are now.
I'm going to completely skip over the whole 35th part (because HOLY CRAP, that's why) and tell you about a few things I realized this weekend.
1. No matter how much it hurts to stand up, bend over, climb stairs, etc, we will all always be 18-years-old at heart.
2. There is nothing like laughing with people who have known you for 40 years. Truly.
3. Our memories suck. And our memories are amazing. Sometimes both within minutes.
4. Not a one of us got out of high school unscathed. We all bear some battle scars (some bigger than others).
Last night, while we were talking about people we hadn't seen in a long time, someone mentioned a kid from our class. I remembered this kid; he was small and quiet, smart and generally nice. I don't remember anything else really significant about him and I don't recall noticing that he had a difficult time in school. But the person who mentioned him said she'd seen his mother before our last reunion and asked her if she thought he'd come. She replied that we'd made his life a "living hell" and she'd never tell him about the reunion.
That made me really sad. I had no idea things were so hard for him. I wondered if I had known, would I have gone out of my way to make him feel more included? I don't know if I would have. I don't think I was that nice back then. I think I was too worried about doing my own best to fit in that helping someone else to do it wasn't on my agenda.
How I regret all the energy I put into that worry.
I know now, after living a few more decades and hearing about others' lives back then, that we never know what goes on behind closed doors; we are all, always, worrying and, more often than not, dealing with some sort of struggle or pain. I've learned that people - teenagers - I knew in high school were battling all manner of demons, from alcohol and drug addiction, to depression, to deep grief, to sexual, physical, and psychological abuse.
And I never knew.
How I wish I'd known.
I had another conversation with a different group later in the evening; we were talking about how seeing certain people from high school can throw you right back into those feelings of insecurity and awkwardness that plagued so many of us. One person asked, "But don't you think everyone's changed?"
I do. I know I have. I think it's impossible to remain unchanged. I replied that we've all been through some absolute shit... we've lost spouses and children, we've battled illnesses and accidents, we've dealt with divorces and teenagers and job loss and money troubles and family crises. We've faced Life head on, in all its difficult glory... and that changes people. And none of us are immune to it.
I'm a kinder person than I was 35 years ago. I know this for certain. I still have my less-than-proud moments, but by and large, I'm a better person than I was. I'm betting we all are.
When I see my classmates now, I don't see awkwardness and insecurity. I see kindness. I see caring. I see humor (such humor!) and people committed to making this world a better place, in whatever way they can. And I see love. So much love.
We are all scarred. We are all damaged and carrying baggage. But we are all worthy of inclusion. We were back then, even if we didn't realize it or feel it, and we certainly are now.
Battle scars. We all have them. They remind us of pain.
But they also remind us that we're survivors.
XO,
Beautifully written. Yes, we've all had to change. I see the caring people that we've grown into and love us.
ReplyDeleteI pray I made a difference in someone's life when I was in high school. Making a difference is my purpose in life now.
Candy, I'm so sorry I just saw this! Thank you! I love us, too!
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