Welcome to My Walden

The definition of the word 'live' is: "to be alive."

The definition of the word 'deliberately' is: "consciously and intentionally; on purpose."

So, when you put them together, 'to live deliberately' means "to be alive, consciously and intentionally; on purpose." 

That? Does not describe the way I'm living.

It doesn't. In fact, I haven't been living deliberately for a long time. I mean, I experience little pockets of living with intention, but by and large, my life over the long last while has been happening to me, not because of me. I expect most of us could say that at times. We get so caught up in the 'must dos,' in the putting out of fires, in the crisis management, in the daily drudgery, that we forget what it means to really live consciously. 

Please say that's not just me. It's you, too, right? Sometimes? Ever?

Regardless, I've decided it's time to make a change. 

Henry David Thoreau went into the woods to live deliberately. I don't know what precipitated his move to Walden Pond, but I can tell you what's at the root of my seeking out my own Walden.

The bottom line is that I'm not in a good place. I'm at my rock-bottom physically. I feel worse than I've ever felt in my life. I'm dealing with chronic pain, rampant inflammation, weight gain, debilitating fatigue, insomnia and broken sleep, and a perpetual cold that came on the heels of pneumonia. 

Mental-health-wise, I'm also struggling. I'm dealing with depression (where 'dealing with' = 'feeding it sugar and binge-watching Netflix') that manifests in my inability to do anything beyond what's absolutely necessary. And on the rare occasion that I do anything beyond what's absolutely necessary, I'm drained for ages afterward. 

Quite frankly, it's only the fear of homelessness that gets me out of bed every morning. Sheesh.

Additionally, I'm doing virtually nothing I truly enjoy. I'm reading only book club selections (that's just one book per month), I'm writing nothing more than Facebook posts, and I'm avoiding the pool like it was filled with acid. I've even spent less time at the dog park than normal, opting to take my boy to a place where I'm almost guaranteed not to run into any other people. 

What I am doing is working 8-10 hours per day, and then crawling home to plant my butt in the recliner and surf Facebook and Netflix all evening. All evening. Like, from 6:00 to midnight. 

It's not healthy, man. 

And Facebook, which I love for so many reasons, is wreaking havoc on my psyche. All the negativity, the political crap, the sheer rudeness, cruelty, and lack of humanity in the comments after every article is wearing on me, making me feel lower than low. And given that 2020 is an election year, I'm worried I'll wind up sinking even lower (what's lower than low? That). Netflix has just become mindless noise. I've watched everything I can watch... so now I'm just re-watching stuff that wasn't even that good the first time around. It's just a way to kill time and avoid the things I should or could be doing.

It's not cool, man.

In two months, I turn 55. It's not really a milestone birthday, but it feels like one to me. I'll no longer be in my 'early' 50s. By the middle of the year, I'll be closer to 60 than to 50. And I know that 60 is the new 40 (or whatever) but if I'm honest, I feel more like 75 right now. And if I continue as I have been, it's only going to get worse. 

That's not acceptable, man. 

Ten years ago, before I joined Facebook, when I was blogging daily, a bloggy friend (who was turning 40 that year), did a 40/40 Challenge. He wrote down 40 goals (some small, some large) and set about accomplishing them over the course of that year (and he did an amazing job at it!). I thought it was a brilliant idea, so I decided to do a 45/45 Challenge myself. I failed miserably. It was just too much... and that was the year I discovered Facebook (aka 'Biggest Time-Suck in the History of Ever'). I accomplished very little. As I do. Sigh.

Fast forward ten years... I remembered that post and, needing some focus and direction, I sat down to come up with a 55/55 list (I know, I know... but deep down I'm an eternal optimist!). But I couldn't do it. Ten years ago I had trouble curtailing my list of all the things I wanted to do. This year, I couldn't come up with enough to fill even half. It made me a little sad. Even my wants are depressed.

I needed some guidance, so I messaged the aforementioned bloggy friend on Facebook and asked him if he's doing a 50/50 Challenge this year. He said he's doing a challenge, but it's going to be a 5/50 instead - five big goals instead of 50 smaller ones. I thought 5/55 sounded great and much more doable. So I gave it some thought and I was able to come up with five good goals, all of which I have wanted to do FOREVER but have as yet not managed to accomplish. 

I'm tired of not accomplishing things, yo.

My 5/55 Goals are as follows:

1. Go 'minimalist' in my house, once and for all (that Swedish Death Cleaning thing)

2. Finish and submit a piece of writing for publication (it doesn't have to BE published; I just have to get it out there)

3. Skydive

4. Go on a date

5. Take a trip to New Zealand to see my family

Good stuff, right? That's some real, deliberate living right there!

However, upon further reflection, I realized that none of it will happen if I don't make some changes... 

• I will not be able to sort out my house if I'm planted in my recliner every night.
• I will not be able to finish any piece of writing if I'm binge-watching Netflix.
• I will not be able to make the physical changes necessary to skydive and ready myself for the reality of dating if I'm spending hours and hours on Facebook every day.
• I will not be able to go anywhere beyond the end of the driveway if I don't work at my second job more often and deliberately set aside the money I'll need. 

So... 

After much contemplation, I have decided to take a very big (for me) step toward living more deliberately. 

As of January 1, I'm taking a year-long sabbatical from Facebook and Netflix. 

Gulp.

I am. I'm deactivating my FB page and cancelling my Internet subscription at my house. It will be difficult at first, I'm sure, but without access, I'll have the time to do the things I want to do; things that are actually good for me; things I enjoy. Well, I say I'll have the time. The truth is, I have the time now. What I will actually have is NO MORE EXCUSES.

So, beyond my bigger goals (or as smaller parts of my bigger goals), I plan to read, to write, to swim, to sort my house out, to spend more time hiking, to see friends more often. 

And in doing all of this - in living much more deliberately than I have been - I will deal with my physical and mental health challenges head on. Finally. 

I plan to blog often. This used to be my creative outlet and I want it to become that again. I have an idea for a year-long writing project, the bones for which will likely show up here. I also plan to do some regular posts, like book reviews, pieces from the writing prompts friends gave me a while back, and Facebook Posts That Might Have Been.

I hope you'll join me in this quest to live more deliberately. Subscribe to my blog, or just pop in when you feel like it. It's all good. Oh, and I'd love it if you'd leave me comments, too. I can't tell who's been here otherwise and I so want to hear your thoughts. Truly. 

In the meantime, Welcome to my Walden! 

XO,